Sad day: Eagles top Michael Jackson for best selling album of all time

Monday, August 20, 2018

Michael Jackson’s untimely death in 2009 sparked an incredible spike in album sales, tossing his 1982 album “Thriller” into the top spot for best selling album of all time at more than 40 million sales. Just recently however, “Thriller” was overtaken by The Eagles’ first compilation album featuring their greatest hits. It’s a sad day for music.

“Their Greatest Hits (1971-1975),” by the Eagles, is a masterpiece of boring elevator music. Although I don’t have the security clearance to confirm it as fact, I would hazard a guess that the agents tasked to break down America’s enemies psychologically through musical torture have probably considered a 24-hour loop of “Tequila Sunrise” for their craft. That would partially explain why so many copies of this album have been sold.

But it’s not just the content of the album that makes the Eagles’ soar to No. 1 so depressing, but their entire genre: soft rock. The most un-American genre of rock and roll. Rock and roll is supposed to be energizing and fun, but what is soft rock supposed to be? Relaxing? It goes against the entire purpose of its parent genre. How many people hit the gas on a fast car and decide to pop in “Desperado?” Who plays “One of These Nights” after a game winning score? Nobody.

“Thriller,” on the other hand? Eddie Van Halen will melt your face on “Beat it,” and he’s not even the main attraction.

Looking at the entire list of best selling albums, it’s a musical wasteland in competition with “Ozymandias.” Following closely to Jackson and the Eagles is “Dark Side of the Moon” — which is so boring people have to watch “The Wizard of Oz” alongside it — a Bon Scott-less AC/DC, two movie soundtracks and equally snooze-worthy “Rumours” by Fleetwood Mac.

There doesn’t seem to be a future for music that doesn’t double as a tranquilizer reclaiming the top spot with such tough competition. Our only hope for our country’s artistic output to not be synonymous with paint drying is that “Thriller” finds popularity again, or the dark horse, the No. 5 best selling album of all time, Meat Loaf’s “Bat out of Hell,” somehow sells more records. It’s a dark future we live in.