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Sunday, May 1, 2016

Idiotic bigots need only apply

Saturday, January 12, 2013

I'll be honest, sometimes it's really difficult to find a topic to write about for my column. Today, however, I was lucky enough to scroll through my Twitter feed and find four "news" stories that would merit a good critique or honorable mention.

Maybe I would write about the heroic teacher in California who calmly negotiated down the 16-year-old boy with a shotgun who came to school intending to kill the two classmates he felt were bullying him. Teacher Ryan Heber approached the student, allowing 28 other students to exit safely out of the back door before the shooter relinquished his weapon. The shooter, unnamed because he is a minor, shot only one student, who was in critical but stable condition as of this morning.

As amazing as this story is, I really don't want to wax poetic about yet another school shooting.

I could talk about the upcoming "Gun Appreciation Day" supposedly on Jan. 19, when weapon enthusiasts are recommended by founder Larry Ward to peacefully protest the president's "post-Sandy Hook assault on gun rights." Aside from the obvious note that a day appreciating this particular breed of weapons would be better suited in November, during hunting season - the time where the original intended use of guns is carried out - I'm not sure I can take a man seriously when he notes that holding Gun Appreciation Day two days before the day Martin Luther King, Jr. was shot "honors the legacy of Dr. King."

Oh, and he also was quoted saying, "I think Martin Luther King, Jr. would agree with me if he were alive today that, if African Americans had been given the right to keep and bear arms from day one of the country's founding, perhaps slavery might not have been a chapter in history."

Are you kidding? Apparently not.

That would have been a fantastic column topic, but this Mr. Ward has left me almost quite literally speechless.

On a brighter note, I could talk about how McDonald's will soon become one of the largest distributors of children's books, at least in Britain. A darling little page-turner will take the place of a cheap plastic toy in Happy Meals for the next five weeks, as a part of the chain's "Happy Readers" program. On the one hand, yay reading! On the other, it seems that such a large and prosperous fast food company would be better purposed solving childhood obesity than illiteracy. That would, however, require a change on their part.

Last, but absolutely not least, it seems that the 700-Club's Pat Robertson has finally determined the cause of the high divorce rate in America. Ladies, it's all our fault. No, seriously. We are ugly, our hair is ragged and we are hard-nosed, and our husbands are now choosing to drink and play war games instead of pay attention to us. In order to save the future of our marriages, we need to make sure that we stay always pretty and submissive to our men. And, if we want to debate Mr. Robertson and tell him that socio-economics, violence or education has any involvement, we need to stop and remember that this generous advice from our dear ol' Pat "comes with 58 years of marriage." We'd best not question him with those statistics.

For those who were wondering - No, Britney Spears declaring her resignation from "X Factor" was not news as much as it was inevitable. Just saying.

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Kate Padilla