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Wednesday, Feb. 10, 2016

How could America do ... never mind

Saturday, November 10, 2012

On Wednesday morning, I was strongly considering a column about the outcome of Tuesday night's general election.

Mine was a mixed bag of reactions as several races went my way and others did not. But rather than engage in what might appear to others as a bitter rant, I decided to take some time to digest the outcome of Election 2012, and instead decided something a bit lighter with a chuckle to end this week might be more appropriate.

So, while I wrap my arms around my attempt to summarize more than two years of phone calls and mail inserts for an election column, please enjoy a list of thoughts submitted to me by a friend via email. No credit to me on these, but I figured what the heck, after all the election wear and tear, we could all use a little laugh.

Questions that haunt me

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway ...

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, why, why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And finally ...

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends - if they're okay, then it's you.


Comments
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Much rather hear a bitter rant than somebody eles's column..try again when you have something to say.....

-- Posted by Cookster on Mon, Nov 12, 2012, at 11:09 AM

Thanks Randy, a good laugh is always welcome - no matter who it came from! And by the way, why is it that while you are waiting for the elevator and another person walks up, he (she) always re-pushes the button?

-- Posted by What if ? on Wed, Nov 14, 2012, at 4:04 PM

lol ty for the light mood Randy :)! much appreciated!

-- Posted by acerdj on Fri, Nov 16, 2012, at 4:33 AM


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Randy Cauthron
One Man's Perspective