I know a little something about food. That much is obvious.
And there are many excellent dining establishments we are free to enjoy all over the state of Iowa.
The key word being "free."
Free as in without restraint. Free as in not incarcerated.
According to news reports, three inmates at the Black Hawk County Jail in Waterloo have filed federal lawsuits, claiming their civil rights are being violated by skimpy meals.
Based on the lawsuits, filed by Tony Grider, Jessie Davis and Charles Mack Jr., the meal plan they are receiving is not up to snuff when compared to other jails. Guess you got busted in the wrong county fellas. You should have committed your crimes in counties with better cuisine.
News reports online from TheHawkeye.com suggest the lawsuits cite the daily menus as follows:
Breakfast: 3-ounce cup of cereal, a pint each of milk and juice and a small piece of cornbread.
Lunch: The only hot meal of the day is 3 or 4 tablespoons of vegetables and 3 or 4 tablespoons of a main dish, along with juice and a small piece of cake.
Dinner: Sandwich, chips, 3 cookies and juice.
A small piece of cake and 3 cookies? Are you kidding me? They get dessert too?
I know struggling college kids who don't eat this well or this often.
What's next? Lawsuits demanding an upgrade from basic cable to Hi-Def with all the premium cable channels, subscriptions to Cigar Aficionado, glass backboards on their basketball courts, and Bowflex machines to replace the free weights? C'mon, are you kidding me?
So what do these three culinary experts want to compensate them for their less than four-star meal service? Why a mere $1,000 per day for pain and suffering, of course.
You can buy a lot of cornbread, cake and cookies with that.
If I were the judge, which thankfully for these three criminals I am not, my dismissal of this ridiculous lawsuit would be followed by the following statement:
"Mr. Grider, Mr. Davis and Mr. Mack. Please be advised that the fact you are not pleased with your dining conditions or meal plan at the Black Hawk County Jail is just one more reason not to commit crime.
"We're not here to make sure your taste buds are tantalized or even slightly delighted. Personally, I would be happy to serve you dry toast and water with some carrots and a banana to get you through your stay.
"I would suggest that once you return to civilized society, where you are free to dine where you choose and stuff your face as you see fit, you remember the less than perfect food choices you faced while in lock-up. Perhaps, just perhaps, it will be enough to keep you from acting outside the law. I'm sure both your stomach and your intended victims would appreciate this extra bit of consideration.
"Now shut up and enjoy your gruel. You've earned it."
On behalf of everyone on the outside, bon appetit.