One Man's Perspective: Booty call

A couple of week's ago, as I advanced past birthday number 43, my column focused on birthday milestones. Essentially I came to the conclusion that there's really not much associated with birthdays beyond year 25, when perhaps your insurance rates my drop. After that, it's all black balloons, lots of fake eulogies and fun at your expense.

It seems that I forgot one particular life experience associated with a 40th birthday, and this week, while undergoing my annual physical (the doctor should get hazard pay) - I was reminded of that particular omission...the prostate exam.

Now I know you're supposed to start getting those once you turn 40, but as I have mentioned before, I'm young at heart and therefore put off aforementioned procedure/experience for an extra three years.

In actuality, I certainly understand the importance of having this particular experience - seeing the rate of prostate cancer in this country and the high survival rate for those who have it diagnosed early, it was probably pretty stupid on my part to wait as long as I did. In my mind, I thought I was sparing my poor doctor somehow (once again the hazard pay issue). But Monday, the time had come to grin and "bare" it.

So I dropped trou, assumed the position - and with no candles, sweet words, or mood music - the doctor and I shared the special moment.

In my mind, I visualized myself as the American taxpayer with Obama and Congress breathing over my shoulder.

And just as I was about to sign the big check, it was over. Obama, Pelosi and crew were gone. Only me, the doc and a latex glove remained.

The news was good. Nothing out of the ordinary. I rest comfortably for another year knowing that all is clear.

And that's why, as unpleasant as the procedure might be, I would recommend that every man over 40 get it done annually for a couple of reasons. First, if there's a problem, it's better to find out as soon as possible. And secondly, I don't want to be the only guy having this done.

But before you go, I made some notes. Just a few small tips to help ease the process a bit.

First, and most important. Find a doctor with small hands. While manly men may want a doctor with a firm handshake, the last thing you need for a prostate exam is Dr. Thicknuckles.

Secondly, make sure they aren't into bling. If your physician is a former Super Bowl champion who likes to show off his monster ring - not a good thing. Likewise, if you have a female doctor whose husband is wealthy and likes to show it in carats, probably not an ideal scenario.

Aside from the obvious additional discomfort that hand jewelry might cause, the last thing you want is one of those things getting snagged, coming off and them having to go back in after it.

Just relax. Ya, right. I was gritting my teeth through the whole thing. Part in anticipation of something horrible, and partly because, well, you can figure it out.

Don't get the doctor distracted during the procedure. Don't engage them in conversation where the mind might wander and they forget what they are doing. Believe me, stealthy is the way you want this procedure to go - quickly in-and-out before you know what happened.

And for pity's sake, don't go to religion or politics at any point prior to the exam. The last thing you want is a doctor with an angry finger.

And lastly, if the doctor begins suggesting the clinic is experiencing a shortage of lubrication, run for the door -- with pants around your ankles if need be. Get away as fast as you can.

Just some tips to help eliminate any unnecessary problems from the important but less-than-pleasant visit.

Uncomfortable, unforgettable and thank goodness only once a year for me.

Unfortunately for the doctor, this is part of his job on a daily basis. You wonder why medical fees are what they are.