Televac's a flicker of her old self

I think I may have been dumped by Televac 2000.

She was right there each September as an exhibit in the Varied Industries building at the Clay County Fair. You'd hand over a few bucks, sign your name to the Personality Analysis Card and she'd tell you everything you'd need to know about yourself.

And she liked me. I can tell. For starters, she asked me what my Zodiac sign was. Those plastic lights from the 1960s sci-fi series "Lost in Space" would flash and I knew it was love.

"Why, I'm a Gemini, Televac. What's your sign? How are things on the set of the 'Price is Right?' You must be very busy."

Then she would have her person hand back my signature -- with her notes that showered me with compliments like: "You enjoy exercising your mind and body."

OK, so maybe she doesn't see so well ... I'm not exactly chiseled ... but that's OK, Televac. I'll take "You have a playful spirit and positive attitude" or "Your friends value the loyalty of your friendship."

She was so good at small talk, too. Did you know that Karl Marx, the founder of Russian Communism never set foot in Russia? Albert Einstein's last words will never be known. He spoke them in German and the nurse caring for him didn't understand the language.

George Washington's mom didn't want him to join the Revolution against England and she didn't attend his inauguration.

But, sadly, the fair of 2008 was the last time I saw her. She apparently moved and didn't tell me her new address. My mechanical history buff was ... history for the 2009 edition.

Maybe I should have seen the dot matrix printing on the wall. "You like to be in control at all times," and "Your moods vary from highest to lowest," she told me.

So, if you're going to be that way, fine, Televac.

Fine.

For starters, you were still calling yourself the Televac 2000 when it was 2008. And guess what? I fed my signature card into you TWICE! And you gave me different personality traits for the SAME SIGNATURE! What do you think about that Televac? Huh?

We're through, Televac. Don't call me. Don't try to give me your "Lucko" (lucky ... lotto ... pick one) numbers any more. I'm leaving and taking my fellow famous Geminis Alanis Morissette, Annette Benning and Naomi Campbell with me.

It turns out, you only said nice things about me because I paid you to. And, you have a multiple personality analysis disorder.

Analyze that.