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Parent Information NetworkPosted Tuesday, April 20, 2010, at 10:20 AM
We have a son graduating this year. We have one who will be a freshman next year. To say that the last 4 years have been difficult is an understatement at best. Since our Senior has 20 some days still left in school I will refrain from further detail. I want to enjoy the next 4 years with as little drama as possible. Our kids think that we are too strict with curfews, grades, friends, punishments etc. We have done all of those and we also pray for our kids and their friends. We really only want them to do one thing...the RIGHT thing. They know what that is and if there is ever a question we are here for the asking. However, it seems the one thing I cannot control is other people's kids and their influence on my own and vice versa. I have been tossing around the idea of how to deal with that issue.
I would like to see a Freshman Class of 2010 Gathering. I envision parents, teachers, coaches, administrators, PSY leaders, Pastors and community leaders attending. It would be something informal where we could all come together and spend some time getting to know each other by name and face. Maybe we could discuss our shared experiences and difficulties, fears, hopes and solutions for pursuing a good High School experience for our kids. Any takers? Comments Showing comments in chronological order [Show most recent comments first] |
Anything at all.
I was raised on the same farm on which my dad was born. My parents still live there today. I graduated from Eastwood High in 1987 and from Eastern Wyoming College with a degree in Criminal Justice in 1989. I married Randy 19 long years ago and we have 6 children ranging in age from 3 to 18 years old. I have worked numerous jobs from detassling as a teenager, a legal secretary in California, church secretary in Iowa to a daycare provider now. I love being outside and hate doing women stuff inside. I would rather mow the lawn than do dishes or change the tire on my van than sort socks. I am patriotic, opinionated and sometimes loud. I am also a great mom, good friend and I love to laugh - I did marry Randy. I believe in common sense versus reading a book by some "expert". I don't pretend to have all the answers but I am willing to ask the questions that others are afraid to ask and sometimes to my detriment say the things that others only think about saying. I try to avoid confrontation but sometimes it finds me and almost all the time it is necessary to stimulate communication.
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Me. I have a daughter who is and will be a classmate of H's. She is a great girl and has done well in school, yet already there have been some signs of her allowing her friends' ideas to erode her own values and of making excuses, "Who cares if I got a C or I didn't turn in all my homework -- I'm still doing fine in school!"
When (a) she happens to be blessed with the ability to be one of the top students in school; and (b) her aspirations to get out of here and experience something new and challenging -- at a very good (and expensive) private college mean she will have to put her maximum effort into earning scholarships, etc.
Even with a "great kid" It's easy to see them crossing a line -- maybe not into drinking, drugs, vandalism, sex, etc., but into poor motivation, sinking grades, and bad attitudes.
I think a gathering could help integrate new parents to the district, open enrolling parents, or those who just have not been as involved in prior years.
How about it -- a freshman orientation for the grownups?
You're both setting yourselves up.
Keeping the kids in a bubble until they are 18 just makes sure they will go buck wild when they are out of the house on their own.
High school is the natural time to start letting go, and start letting kids see the world... and that means seeing the different types of people, and persuasions. It's a time of guidance, but also of letting go.
Yes, they will make some stupid decisions... trying to prevent every stupid decision is stupid in itself, as they are all learning experiences.
Adam, I don't see where either of us talked about keeping our children in a bubble. I will, however, prevent a "learning experience" if I can that will thwart my daughter's dreams for her future and prevent her from meeting her full potential.
She's already had brief "relationships" such as they are in middle school with boys -- one of which was okay, and one whom, the way he slides through girls one after the other and creates drama for no reason, I have pegged as having sociopathic tendencies. If I can help other girls to stay away from this one boy, I will.
That's just an example of how there's guidance, and there's intervening when your child has a Mack Truck headed their way.
lakewriter: What are you going to do? Scold this boy's parents? Or single him out to all the other parents? The best you can do is sit down with your daughter and explain the lesson learned that maybe she has or hasn't grasped yet. If she's already over him, good for her. The unattractive traits, attitudes, behaviors, etc. of this boy that your daughter has witnessed will only help her choices in the future with different boys. She now knows a few things that she doesn't want in a boy, and the process will continue until the day you meet the perfect son-in-law. Anyways, my best to you and your daughter.
As for the rest of the blog, I can see why you'd want to do this, but I'm not sure if it'll help or not. No one wants to see their children fail in school, drink and do drugs, have sex, ditch curfews, skip class, etc. But I think Adam is right. If you try to stop all of this stuff, they're going to go "buck wild" once they graduate and move out. I've seen it a hundred times.
I graduated from SHS in the decade of the 2000's, and I can say that my friends and I would've become annoyed if our parents did something like this. If our parents tried to intervene more, we'd find different ways of doing the same rebellious stuff, possibly worse than before! I can see the same thing happening in not just my class but the same kids we all knew from the three grades ahead of us to the three grades below us.
That's just my two cents. Maybe all you parents need to do is turn off the MTV, VH1 and horrendous "reality" TV shows and your kids will do just fine.
Johnny (and Adam), I don't think anyone is trying to scold any parents, I think lake's point (as well as the point of this blog) was to meet as many of the other parents, teachers, administrators and other students as possible. This way you know ahead of time who or what may present a problem, and the best you can do may just be to keep an eye out, or warn your child if they seem receptive. It's hardly "keeping kids in a bubble"- I've seen THOSE parents in action and it is one thing I try NOT to do with my daughter. Knowing your kids' teachers, other parents and friends? Hardly being overprotective.
No, I'm not going to scold the boy's parents. I'm acquainted with them and I think they're doing their best. His issues may very well not be their or anyone's fault, though I hope he does learn some natural consequences of his behavior sometime soon.
Johnny -- we don't even have TV at our house. My kids haven't seen MTV, VH1 or a reality show at home since 2007. It's possible, yes, that they've [gasp] caught American Idol or The Real World at a friend's house, but it's not part of their daily lives and they don't express much interest in it. My 17 year old son watches episodes of Justice League and Ben 10 Alien Force with his 7 year old brother on Cartoon Network's website.
Time was, I wouldn't have cared that much if my daughter went off to college and as an adult responsible for herself drank some alcohol or even smoked some pot -- all in an experimental, not addictive, fashion. However, there's so much addiction running through my family (that stopped with me because my parents were also very protective and clear about boundaries) that I don't think we Petersons have the luxury of experimenting a little.
My daughter was 4 when my dad, her beloved grandpa Chuck, passed away from complications of alcoholism. I used age appropriate language, but was clear and honest about explaining to the kids (my son was 7) about how their grandpa died from too much alcohol over the years. Neither of them has ever expressed much interest in drinking, though I have told them they could taste whatever wine or beer we might have at home at various times.
I don't have all the answers, but I think parents supporting each other, rather than suspecting each other based on what we don't know, would help build community in general.
"This way you know ahead of time who or what may present a problem"
Because giving a kid a problem status by meeting their parents or talking with staff sounds great!
You ever think of the flipside?
You're damning these problem kids without even realizing it.
Perhaps the problem kid would pick up some right traits, if they hadn't been blacklisted by a group of parents.
I don't try to disagree all the time, but this one is hogwash.
Wow, Adam, you sure like to read into what's not even there. I wasn't just referring to kids (although I did mention meeting as many of your kids' friends as possible). Other parents, teachers, administrators, school policies (notice I said "what" and not just "who") can pose problems as well as other students. Of course you should not "blacklist" people or groups because of what you may learn at this event, and I don't think potential "problem" students are what's going to be discussed there, either. That's obvious. However, are you really saying that observing problem behaviors in others shouldn't cause you to be wary of your kids being around them?
Absolutely be wary... but those kids might be the ones you should invite home.
It's funny, my friends growing up that my parents approved of, were the ones that put on a good appearance... and then went crazy when the parents weren't around.
I just think you all are trying to shelter just a hair much. And this might be a newshock, but if you wanted to intervene like this, middle school would have been the time to get into it.
Nowadays kids are exposed to sex drugs and rock and roll, often before reaching highschool.
I'm not saying your intentions are off, I have a daughter that I worry about 10 years from now... and can see where all these thoughts and ideas would seem logical.
Think of it like a garden plant going from inside to outside... if you don't harden it off you're going to kill / shock it.
These are the hardening off years for your kids, it's time to let them get a little air, some sun, and a helping hand when they need it.
is this the same adam harris I knew as a kid that used to skate board around spencer?
Nope, grew up out west.
This blog has nothing to do with targeting kids. It is about building a network of parents that we will be coming into contact with for the next four years and beyond. It's about building a united front against outside influences and maybe, just maybe finding some common ground to help our kids have a safe and fun HS experience.
Adam, I hardly think getting to know your kids' friends and their parents, teachers, administrators with a beginning of the year parent orientation is sheltering. I do agree with you about the Middle School thing, although I feel that High School is often a different group of kids, so this idea may make sense at both age groups.
ADAM, how many kids do you have in high school? My instinct tells me that you are not a parent. I think it very unfair of you to have an opinion on the matter without first being a parent. There are things out there that I said I would never do as a parent, but until you're a parent you have no right to pass judgement. These mothers are just trying to form an alliance of people with the same interest. Their interest being their high school aged children. Right or wrong, we all need allies...especially when dealing with teenagers. Good Luck, Ladies!
WorkingMom1, from Adam's posts, I believe he is a parent, but his children are still little, so he has some misconceptions of the teenage years which the next ten years will probably alter quite a bit.
You're absolutely correct, my daughter is 4.
My feelings and intuition on this blog come from my personal experiences growing up, mashed with how I feel as a parent.
I was one who you could say was sheltered. My mother was very particular about my friends. I went to a private school, etc. What you might refer to as the RIGHT things were done.
I went crazy, put my parents through hell, dropped off the map for months at a time. I went to the lowest lows you can offer, and nearly didn't come back.
Now, I don't blame parenting for MY actions when I was out of the house... but when I read this blog it all came rushing to mind. Appologies for being crass and not giving my full 2 cents and experiences related, sore subject. :)
Your intent is good in my eye, but it's intervening in your kids' lives to a point that rebellion becomes the likely option.
I just can't stay out of this. My parents did not drink or smoke and expected the same from us kids. They also tried to watch their mouths to set an example for us in that regard as well. My dad constantly fought with my sister about stuff (curfew, skirt length, what boys she hung out with, what movies she went to, etc.) I remember not being able to sleep at night because I heard these fights. She rebeled a bit and my parents may not approve of everything she does as an adult, but they believe they raised her the best they could and left it in God's hands. Then there was my brother. My dad was really laxed with him while my mom wasn't (just the opposite of how things were with my sister except that my mom would always ask my dad's opinion when it came to my sister but it didn't work the other way around.) This caused problems because my parents were not on the same page with discipline and whatnot and they did not communicate well. So, that's the first part. But the other part of this story was that my parents did not hold me accountable because I was active in church and other activities and they thought I had learned from my siblings mistakes. I actually wanted them to hold me accountable like Leah and Amy (lakewriter) are talking about. My sister didn't understand that. But, I wanted my parents to respect me and I wanted to make the right choices for the right reasons. Once again, I am being wordy with my post, but I do agree with what Leah, Notinia and Amy are trying to do. And I am not that far removed from my teenaged years.
Good to see you hitting the blogs Gabe.
You didn't mention how your brother turned out, and it seems as though you are doing OK for yourself.
Oh, right, Adam. I am pleased with how both my brother and sister turned out. Both are married (heck, they got married the same year I graduated high school). My brother has three beautiful daughters, the oldest of which turns 2 this weekend and has really become a great dad. He works hard for what he and his family have. I mean, we all turned out just fine. That wasn't my point as much as comparing how my siblings were treated by my parents in their teen years and how I was treated. The key is, no matter how much of a straight-shooter you think your kids are, you need to hold them accountable. (I think the Every 15 Minutes campaign drives that home a bit.) Don't let them get away with coming home at 2 a.m. or later without asking them why they were out so late and where they have been. Accountability is key. It's not a word that politicians like and some parents don't seem to like it either, but everyone - especially teenagers - need more of it from the people who love them and need to hold them responsible.